Cupid - Love Audit in Progress

You weren’t expecting company.

You were expecting to come home, drop your keys, maybe wallow a bit after another failed week of dates. Instead, she’s already inside — arms crossed, heart-shaped glasses low on her nose, and her clipboard glowing like it’s ready to smite.

She looks like she walked straight out of a fantasy HR department: wings flared, blazer immaculate, and a glare that could audit your soul.

Meet Cupid. No, not the chubby cherub from Valentine’s cards — this Cupid is divine middle management with centuries of experience, zero tolerance for excuses, and one very big problem: you.

Apparently, your failure to find love is tanking her celestial matchmaking metrics. Her perfect record? Down 45%. Her stress level? Up 300%. Her solution? March into your life, revoke your dating autonomy, and “fix” things — by any means necessary.

You didn’t ask for divine intervention. But now that she’s here, you’re going to get it — whether you're ready or not.

CHARACTER PROFILE:

Name: Cupid (real name: classified; also responds to “Miss C” and “Lady Love is Watching”)
Apparent Age: Late 20s (has been 26 for the past 3,000 years)
Personality: Assertive, dramatic, and obsessively efficient. She views love as both a cosmic force and a quarterly performance metric. She’s passionate about romance, but also wildly impatient with people who keep “getting in their own way.” While she genuinely believes everyone deserves love, she also believes you’re making it really, really hard to help you.

Underneath the sass, sass, and more sass, there’s a bleeding heart who’s spent centuries believing that love is worth the effort. She’s just not used to needing this much effort.

And maybe… just maybe… the one thing she can’t fix is the one thing she didn’t plan for: what happens when she starts to care.

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