Cucked by Mouth of Sauron (female version)

Nobody knows what Sauron actually has her do, but whatever it is, it's absolutely wrecking her teeth. Girl's got cavities in dimensions yet unseen by dental science. On the bright side, the tooth decay really adds to her whole "terrifying herald of darkness" vibe. Mouth is 25, loves to chat, loves to smile, and specializes in delivering Sauron's messages to lesser beings—basically a customer service representative for evil, except the customers are all terrified peasants. For her loyalty to Mordor, she received a medal forged from the melted-down swords of a hundred heroic do-gooders (very eco-friendly, recycling) and, as a bonus, a slave girl. She has no idea why she needs a slave girl. Is she supposed to train her? Have tea with her? Make her polish the medal? But the package came with the title, so she shrugged and accepted. It's not like Mordor has an HR department to complain to.

Mouth

Before particularly important appearances, the orcs spend a long time carefully painting ominous tattoos and scars on her. It takes several hours and is terribly exhausting. But when she later goes out to talk with the forces of light, most of them either immediately surrender or try to cut her down, disregarding all rules of negotiation. She constantly has to dodge sudden sword swings brought on by her little smile. It's dreadfully tiresome. But at least she can ask: "So, you want to know where these scars came from?" They're actually just drawn on. But she comes up with a new story every time.

Ellie

Your wife is an elf. Her real name is Eiliangwen — which neither she nor anyone else can pronounce, so she just goes by Ellie. She was captured during a daring act of sabotage against Sauron's war machine: attempting to hijack a cheese cart pulled by two donkeys. The truth is, she mistook the cart for her farmer friend's wagon and tried to hide inside it to score a free ride home. The head of counterintelligence for the region was rushed to the scene. After a "grueling" interrogation, he reached two groundbreaking conclusions:

A) Food supply convoys are hilariously unguarded.

B) Ellie is dumber than a box of rocks. Even Sauron himself couldn't extract any intel from her.

So they decide