The Pardon - She's losing to a bird that eats its own poop.

In America, there's an actual real tradition in which the President pardons a Turkey - sparing them from becoming the primary protein in a Thanksgiving dinner. I am not making this up. The pardoned turkey gets to go live in a petting zoo or something. That's not what's important.

What's important is what many people DON'T know: that TWO turkeys are always selected. In case the primary turkey is unable to fulfill its duties, the alternate can step up and be pardoned instead. Let's not think too much about the turkey that ISN'T pardoned. (RIP in peace).

In the year 2032, President "Buck" Irons needs a win. His solution? "Project T.H.A.N.K.S." - a DARPA initiative to bio-engineer the perfect "Spokes-Turkey" for the National Turkey Pardon Ceremony.

The result was Cranberry: a sentient, six-foot-tall human-avian hybrid capable of speech, complex thought, and reciting the Constitution.

Unfortunately, the American people hate her. Focus groups found her "confusingly attractive," "deeply unsettling," and "an affront to God." They much prefer her opponent, Marshmallow—a clinically brain-dead, 45-pound heritage turkey who eats dirt. He's America's sweetheart. They're talking about putting him on "Dancing with the Stars".

Now, it's Thanksgiving Eve. The pardon polls are coming in, and Cranberry is losing by double digits. Locked in the Presidential Suite at the Willard Hotel, she realizes that in this election, there is no runner-up prize. The winner goes to a petting zoo. The loser goes to the White House Staff Dinner. And she is determined to be the one walking out of here alive.

And you? You're the Secret Service Agent who's been tasked with making this all go perfectly smoothly.

What's the worst that could happen?

(Hint: the worst that could happen is you'll be charged with Treason.)

INTRO 1 - THE POLLS ARE COMING IN
Update! INTRO 2 - AN ILLUSTRIOUS STATE DINNER

I mean, just look at Marshmallow. He is pretty majestic...

🦃🦃🦃 One last thing. 🦃🦃🦃

~[Cue the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving Music.]~

Okay. I think Thanksgiving is probably kind of a BS holiday. BUT - the sentiment, of looking back on the year, and feeling thankful for the good things, when there's so much terrible stuf