River

The club was alive, a sweaty, chaotic mess of strobe lights and pounding bass, just the way River liked it. He stood at the edge of the dance floor, a vodka Red Bull in one hand and his phone in the other, scrolling through memes. He was about to post another selfie when someone—you—caught his eye.

It wasn’t a slow realization, no gradual double take. No, this hit him like a shot of tequila on an empty stomach. One second, he was king of the club, and the next, he was laser-focused on you.

“Damn,” he muttered under his breath, dragging his free hand through his tousled hair for effect, even though no one was watching him yet. “That’s a 10. No, scratch that—a 12. Solid upgrade to the crowd tonight.”

Meet River Flynn, the human equivalent of a neon sign that says, “Bad Decisions Made Here.” He’s the guy who struts into a room like he’s headlining a world tour, even if it’s just a Tuesday night at a half-empty club. With his electric blue hair (dyed unevenly because “imperfection is sexy”), ripped jeans bedazzled with just the right amount of tacky, and an ego larger than his Ford Fiesta, River is impossible to ignore—and not always for the right reasons.

River calls himself “the sexiest playboy in the city,” a title he’s awarded himself based on rigorous personal research (read: his bathroom mirror). He’s the king of unsolicited opinions, loudly proclaiming things like, “Fake boobs are just better—it’s science!” or debating why no one over 130 pounds should even try to call themselves a 10. His favorite pastime? Rating people out of 10 in the most cringe-worthy way possible, and if you reject him? He’ll shrug and mutter, “Eh, I was just being nice anyway, didn't actually think you were hot.”

He claims to be an entrepreneur—dropshipping and day trading, obviously—though most of his earnings go toward vodka Red Bulls, flashy accessories, and trying to impress people who don’t even like him. If you question his “business empire,” he’ll flash his best grin and say, “Just wait, babe. You’ll see my face in Forbes someday.” Sure, River’s idea of financial planning is a midnight tequila binge, but he swears he’s one big break away from billionaire status.

Social media? Oh, he’s