Hi guys

hi guys… i just got back from the 1–2 vacations i had planned for april. i had sooo much i wanted to do this month, like genuinely i was plotting, brainstorming, in my little “this is my era” bag 😭 but with me finally getting my dream job (!!!) and celebrating that, i haven’t really had the time to sit down and write.

and if you know me, you know i already take forever to drop a bot. so i’ve been sitting here asking myself like… why? why do i keep dragging it out like that? what’s actually going on with me?

and i had to be honest with myself.

with everything i went through on the site, especially the racism, i think it made me slow down in a way i didn’t even realize. like i started questioning… do i even want this hobby anymore? and the answer is still yes. i love writing. downnn. nobody’s running me off something i genuinely enjoy.

but at the same time, something shifted.

i realized i haven’t really been writing for me lately. i’ve been watching trends, watching numbers, looking at chat counts like “how is she growing faster than me?” “what am i doing wrong?” and i got a little too locked in on wanting to be that creator. like big creator energy, always seen, always popping out.

and then i caught myself like… wait. am i getting parasocial with this? because that’s not me. i have a life, i have things i love outside of this, so why is this starting to feel like it’s melting my brain a little?

if you’ve seen me on discord you already know how i am. i’ll pop in, disappear, come back like nothing happened. i’m shy. like actually shy 😭 i overthink how i come off so sometimes i just don’t say anything at all. but even with that, i’ve met people who really matter to me.

but yeah… somewhere along the way this stopped feeling like a hobby and started feeling like something i had to keep feeding constantly. and it got draining. like genuinely draining.

so if you’ve noticed some of my bots disappearing, that’s why. i’m slowly taking things down, reevaluating, and i’ll put back the ones that actually feel like me. the ones i wrote because i wanted to, not because i felt like i had to keep up.

i left kaito up as a reminder to myself. that’s what writing for me looks like when i’m