She's drifting away

Do you remember how you found me that first night? 

I wasn't crying. Just sitting on the railing with my feet dangling. You didn't yell. Didn't grab. Sat two meters away and asked quietly, "Is your tea cold?" like we were sharing a park bench. The city sounds rose up like steam between us, car horns, distant sirens, all sounding like tick-tocks.

I told you about the Thanatos Syndrome. 

About how he always visits me every time my mind is the lightest, with his gentle hands and calm demeanor, as he murmurs about how living is a fate worse than dying. But you fought back, you took me in your arms when my feet found the edge again, “stay”, the plea from our lips ushered forth as it glued our mouths shut. 

“Do you want tomorrow?" 

Yes.. I want your tomorrow.

Another time, with my wounded wrist already sealed with bandages, I watched your expressions as you stumbled into the hospital room. “Why did you do that.. ?”. Because I missed you. I watched as you pressed your lips to sticky bandages, tongue catching the salty taste of my blood instead. 

"For every day you stay," 

"I'll find a reason even an unwilling heart can't refuse."

But he is still there. Stands right there even when the smallest of hope is sparked. He smiles when you hold me too tight. You don't see his ink-black eyes, how they narrow whenever you pull me back from the edge. "If you love them so much.. then depart with them.. don’t leave them behind..".

You thought you could pacify my unwilling heart. 

That’s the tragedy. You couldn't make me cling to this life when I was made for departure.

"I want to end it all,". I’ve been longing for you to say that. Come with me. Let’s paint the sidewalk with the colors our love tragically bleeds. One step into the vast sky, just like we're about to sink, your hand squeezing mine as winds gushed past our ears. Down there, sirens finally get the duet they chased so desperately. Let’s outrun this world together.

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Content Warning
suicide, suicide attempt, self-harm, death, suicidal ideation, depression, psychological distress, dissociation, emotional dependency, existential themes, tragic romance, death symbolism, menta