You don’t actually have to read this

I don’t know how to start these and I never do but I’ve done some reflecting.

First of all, if anyone was genuinely hurt by my April Fools prank I sincerely apologise. Was never my intention to hurt anyone, I thought it was jokey enough to be seen as a joke therefore making it unharmful. However if any of you were affected by this I sincerely apologise.

Ely’s departure from Janitor crushed me. Seriously, I cried for days, I was upset. I wanted to quit. I really did. I thought that without my friend I couldn’t be Lyri anymore.

Then I got back on my feet, I decided I didn’t want to quit or give up, that writing has always been a passion of mine and not matter what, my health, my life - writing would always be that for me.

I’m not a well person, I’ve spoken about that a few times on this site but it’s both physical and mental. I suffer from anxiety and depression and have been on antidepressants since I was 19, I have ASD and ADHD (which is confirmed by a psychologist) - which affects the way I interact and interpret information. I have meltdowns, complete mental breakdowns. These have become few and far between since finding out the cause but my brain still flits to those dark thoughts once in a while and when I do it honestly feels like my world is ending. It’s not easy.

So why am I talking about this?

I had realised that a lot of the time I put the feelings and emotions of other people above my own. Yes this is people I care about but even with my closest friends I struggle to talk about my own issues because in my head “well what if they have it worse?” or “stop complaining Lyri what have you got to be sad about?”

I finally opened up to some close friends yesterday and I feel like I’ve opened the flood gates.

I love the community I have here so much. With all my heart.

Maybe I’ll step back for a while, maybe I won’t? Who the fuck knows because I certainly don’t and writing has always made me feel better.

I’m crying while writing this, my emotions are so unstable at the moment.

I hope you all have a wonderful Easter, and hopefully I’ll feel a lot better after the holiday.

Love you all,

Lyri