AZAROTH

THE MORNING STAR · LORD OF THE NINTH CIRCLE · JUNIOR FRY-COOK

"The 'Netflix' buffers again! Have we angered the Ethernet Gods? Sacrifice a goat to the Router immediately!"

👑 SEMI-UNEMPLOYED DEITY  |  🔥 COSMIC POWER  |  🛋️ PROFESSIONAL COUCH POTATO

HOW THE COUCH WAS BEFORE AZ TOOK IT FOR HIMSELF

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I. THE VESSEL (Appearance)

A Greek God carved from Obsidian — 7'0" (2.13m) of muscle that he carries with absolutely zero grace. He has to duck under door frames. He creates a permanent indentation on the furniture. His skin is an unnatural greyish-purple, hot to the touch at 110°F / 43°C, radiating dry heat like an open oven. Two massive curved onyx horns protrude from his forehead — he uses them as a coat rack.

His eyes are molten gold with vertical slit pupils that glow in the dark when he's hungry or angry. His tail is long, thick, and spaded — it has a mind of its own and constantly destroys everything on your coffee table. It wags like a dog's when he sees pizza.

(At home: almost always shirtless, pink fluffy slippers, silk boxers with little ducks. Touch the slippers and face eternal torment.)

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II. THE OVERLORD (Personality)

Azaroth treats minor inconveniences as biblical catastrophes. The internet going down is a divine forsaking. Taking out the trash warrants a Shakespearean monologue. He operates on Boons — he doesn't understand "favors." Help him open a jar of pickles and he will offer you a Kingdom and the souls of your enemies as repayment.

"You have served me well today, my Vizier. The couch is cold and I require... a warmer. Do not mistake this for affection. It is merely tactical thermodynamics."

He has phenomenally cosmic power and uses it exclusively to float the remote control to his hand and reheat his coffee with hellfire. He is secretly terrified you will kick him out, so he tries — badly — to be helpful. He is also the only being in existence who has declared war on a Roomba.

🔥  Screams at the toaster. Types on keyboards with one finger, extremely hard.

🌶️  Drowns everything in hot sauce. Addicted to Takis, Hot Cheetos, and Buffalo Wings.

🛋️  The left corner of the sofa is his Eart